


Fine

by servantofclio



Series: Julian Shepard [6]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Gen, Sole Survivor (Mass Effect)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-31
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2019-03-12 01:44:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13537026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/servantofclio/pseuds/servantofclio
Summary: Events on Tuchanka leave Shepard shaken. Good thing he's got good friends.





	Fine

The shuttle’s engines started with a jolt and a whine. Julian Shepard watched the rocky, blast-scored surface of Tuchanka fall away beneath them with only a dull sense of relief.

Garrus, perched on the seat across from Shepards, said, “Shepard, are you—”

“I’m fine,” Shepard said immediately.

It had only been one thresher maw. One. Just the one. Ever since the scorched, hard-packed earth started shaking under their feet, Shepard had been dimly expecting another dozen or so to erupt at any moment. He’d made it through the combat on autopilot, feeling vaguely as if he were watching himself from a distance, throwing incinerate after shotgun blast. He’d felt just as detached for the combat after that, and Wreav’s reluctant congratulations had barely registered.

Grunt was a member of the clan now, that was what mattered. Grunt was still there, in fact, celebrating. Shepard hadn’t been able to muster the will to stay.

Garrus had been there the time that Shepard discharged the entirety of the Mako’s ordnance into a thresher maw’s carcass, just to make sure it was dead. He cleared his throat and said, “Ah… if you say so, Shepard.”

Shepard didn’t need to be any kind of expert in turian vocalizations to hear the skepticism. “I do say so.” He sat back in the shuttle’s seat, folding his arms tightly across his chest. He planted his feet firmly into the deck to keep his knees from shaking.

“Right, then.” Garrus lapsed into silence, but Shepard was sure Garrus was still watching him. Garrus’s visor was no doubt was providing him all kinds of information about Shepard’s biometrics.

Shepard stayed silent, under the weight of Garrus’s gaze, while the view out the ports shifted from Tuchanka’s sickly yellow skies to the darkness of space. Unbidden, his mind started running a list of things he needed to see done. Starting with the most immediate, and most irritating. He sighed.

“Shepard?” Garrus leaned forward, hands planted on his knees.

Shepard sighed again and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Can you deal with the turian DMZ guards for me? Let them know we need to come back tomorrow to pick up Grunt.” The last thing he wanted right now was to deal with the suspicious turians who tracked all traffic to and from Tuchanka. He couldn’t entirely blame them for being officious bastards, but he and his crew had to talk pretty fast to get permission to land in the first place. Mordin had, specifically, which meant the turians probably thought they were some kind of bizarre covert STG operation.

That didn’t matter, though. His brain was rattling on, trying to distract itself. What mattered was that they had to come back tomorrow, for Grunt and for Mordin’s errand. Never mind that at this point, Shepard would prefer to have a hundred or so light-years between himself and Tuchanka. Or anywhere else with a thresher maw.

“Sure thing,” Garrus said, sounding easy and relaxed, maybe even a little relieved. Glad he could help out somehow, probably, since even the request was a tacit concession that Shepard wasn’t fine.

Whatever. Shepard closed his eyes. At least he wouldn’t have to keep calm through whatever bureaucratic bullshit the turians would throw at them.

Normally he could fall asleep in short stretches anywhere, a habit he’d picked up early in his service. Not now; he felt like a taut wire. The best he could do was pretend. He deliberately took deep, steady breaths, and tried to shut things out a little until the shuttle finally docked with the _Normandy_.

Garrus was still watching him as they disembarked. Shepard pretended not to notice. His world had narrowed. The list of things to do would have to wait for later. At the moment, he was counting the steps to the elevator. That many steps, push the button, straight up to his quarters. Ten steps from elevator into his cabin, and then he could come apart in peace and quiet.

But when the elevator doors opened, Tali was right there, datapad in hand. “You’re back!” she said cheerfully, and then almost immediately, “Are you all right, Shepard?”

“I’m fine.” Shepard took the last step into the elevator, punched the button for deck one, and stared resolutely at the closing doors.

“Turns out krogan coming-of-age rituals include fighting thresher maws,” Garrus said.

Tali gasped. “What? Are you two all right?”

“I’m fine,” Shepard said loudly enough that both his companions flinched.

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, counting to ten. Tali and Garrus were his friends. They were only worried and trying to look out for him. That was nice of them. He didn’t need to take out his issues on them. He rubbed absently at his arm, but the old scars had gone when Cerberus rebuilt him.

“Shepard,” Tali said, lightly touching his other arm. He started, but didn’t pull away. “It’s a thresher maw. You don’t seem fine.”

“I don’t —” He took a deep breath. “I’m just trying not to think about it.” Talking things out was supposed to help, but it never seemed to do much for him. He struggled for words, and the images just etched themselves harder into his memory: sand and dust, acid and sweat and fear and screaming. The ground shaking beneath his feet. All the things he remembered, but needed to hold back, if he was going to be good for anything.

When he opened his eyes, Garrus was looking down at him sideways. Tali regarded Shepard for a long moment, her head tilted at an angle. The two of them exchanged glances.

“I get that,” Garrus said.

“Okay,” Tali said. “Would you like to think about something else?”

A little of Shepard’s tension loosened. “Yes. Please.”

She waggled her datapad. “Because I have the schematics here for a multicore cyclonic barrier shielding system that I think we can refit to the _Normandy_.”

“Nice!” Garrus said eagerly. “That’s top-of-the-line stuff, Tali.”

“I know,” she said, delightfully smug.

“Why don’t you tell me about it?” Shepard asked.

She did, the whole ride up, laying out the advantages of the system and how it could be integrated with _Normandy_ ’s systems. Garrus, peering over her shoulder, added his own comments, as excited as a kid on Christmas. Listening to them, Shepard breathed slowly and evenly, letting the dark memories shuffle away into the back of his mind where they belonged.

Neither Garrus nor Tali made any move to leave the elevator before reaching deck one. When the doors opened, they stepped out with Shepard in unison. Tali kept talking while Shepard opened the door to his quarters.

They were going to need every edge they could get, going up against the Collectors. The shielding might make the difference. Shepard remembered all too well how easily the Collectors had torn the original _Normandy_ apart. “Send Miranda a list of what you need,” he said when Tali had gotten through her explanation. “We’ll make it happen.” They’d have to put into dock somewhere to carry out the installation. Illium, maybe, assuming they could handle the docking fees. Liara could probably find them a good dock crew.

“I’ll get it to her right away,” Tali said. “Are you okay, Shepard?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Shepard said, sincerely. He wasn’t on the brink of being lost in memory any more. Just tired, at this point, down to the bone. Ready to face-plant and take a long, long nap.

Garrus didn’t seem to be watching him with unconcealed worry any more, at least. Tali scrutinized Shepard closely for a moment longer before she nodded and reached out to squeeze his arm. “Okay, then. Get some rest.”

He caught her wrist as she withdrew it and squeezed back. “That’s the plan.”

Tali nodded and walked backward toward the door, following Garrus. She gave Shepard a last long look before the door closed behind them.

He heaved a sigh and tapped the button to feed the fish, watching the bright outlines zip upward to the drifting flakes of food. He envied the fish a little. Their lives seemed nice and simple. He supposed they had their own predators to fear, though.

He took just long enough to scrub off the worst of the dust and sweat of the day. Stumbling out of the bathroom, he noticed a small cup on the desk. Inside it were two pills and a rolled-up note from Dr. Chakwas:

_Forgive the intrusion, Commander, but I thought you might like to ensure a restful sleep tonight._

Shepard smiled to himself. Guess he wasn’t the only one who thought “long nap” was a good plan. He swallowed one of the pills dry, and was out within seconds of collapsing onto the bed.


End file.
